let me think of ways to jostle her back
by some freak accident
she came to be here
with her pet raven
an unknown place
let me think of ways to jostle her back
occasionally she has dreamed about this
cooped in that shop
where she clutched the chats
of strolling customers
let me think of ways to jostle her back
now the outside is her place
a move she likes
look how that raven
motions in the rain
let me think of ways to jostle her back
on second thoughts, I will let her merge into the darkness
good take... nice last two lines...
ReplyDeleteJJRod'z
The image of her in that shop in the middle stanza is particularly strong.
ReplyDeletegood luck in figuring out ways to jolt her back.
ReplyDeleteloved your magpie.
very strong imagery here. good use of the words. it is so much fun to see where 12 words can take a mind, isn't it?
ReplyDeletegautamy, now I want to know who she is, since she is clearly not you, nor are you the raven it seems. This poem lives and breathes, is more than damp. Perhaps you are the rain.
ReplyDeleteImaginative and creative
ReplyDelete"let me think of ways to jostle her back" nice refraining line.
Your last line is food for thought ~
Nice...I particularly like the repeating lines...
ReplyDeleteMmm... I like the repitition in this... beautiful!
ReplyDeleteit sounds like a real story.
ReplyDeletethe repetition makes the tale strong and beautiful.
I really enjoyed reading this one and the picture really adds to the mood. Excellent! I love seeing where people go with these wordles. And thank you for your visits to my blog and the comments!
ReplyDeleteSo it was the raven who brought down the rain on her finery! If I was he, I would stand out of kicking range!
ReplyDeleteLiked the story and the idea but wondered why you let her 'merge into the darkness' when you could have tried harder to jostle her back.
love the imagery and the linking refrain that draws you back each time
ReplyDeleteWonderful use of the refrain to jostle us back from her space, into the next room's window.
ReplyDeleteJostle is such a fine word! and you
ReplyDeleteended up leaning in the same kind of direction I went- Thanks.
The last lines are my favorite. This is wonderful!
ReplyDeleteOh, such a difficult decision to be made. Jostle her back to the shop where she was unhappy, or let her remain in the dark, in the place of her dreams.
ReplyDeleteWho are we to say "It would be better for you to go back to unhappiness"?
Kay, Alberta, Canada
An Unfittie’s Guide to Adventurous Travel
Amazing how you wrote this for three separate prompts. Sometimes it is better to merge with darkness, I think. I wrote to all 3 prompts, but if you visit one:
ReplyDeletehttp://inthecornerofmyeye.blogspot.com/2011/09/manifesto.html
sometimes the world inside our head, is better than reality
ReplyDeletei wish you luck in finding ways to jolt her back this is great the image of her in that shop very well done
ReplyDeletehttp://gatelesspassage.com/2011/09/24/loneliness-the-anger-of-lost-hope/
Of all the words to use in a repeating phrase, "jostle." I found it to be the most difficult of all, and you play with it; roll it around on the tongue and give it a life.
ReplyDeleteMarvelous.
This is a favorite for me today. I love your repetition, the picture, the wordle words. All of it, you created something with intriguing beauty. Brava!
ReplyDeleteImaginative, and some really good phrases, with a solid use of repetition.
ReplyDeletenice...intriguing write...i like the echo of the refrain through out and the expansion on it at the close...
ReplyDeleteLove it - wonder why your second thoughts?
ReplyDeleteAnna :o]
Good take on the wordle words!! Progresses beautifully to end with those marvelous last lines!! I liked your second thoughts, she is better outside!!
ReplyDeleteDon't even think of jostling her back!! :)
imaginative poetry, beautifully done.
ReplyDeletethat gothic image goes in nicely with the poem.
Yes, very Goth - a dream state of breathy realism!
ReplyDeleteShe wouldn't be easy...a wonderful read!
ReplyDeleteVery imaginative Gautami. Yes, I wonder too why your thoughts tend to letting her merge into the darkness. Perhaps if the speaker is also the girl on the rock ...
ReplyDeleteWonderful story poem; the use of the refraining line is very effective. Now I'm weaving stories about this mysterious woman and her pet raven - is she a mannequin or statue come to life, a wallflower of a shop girl finally free of a job she hated, a genie let out of a bottle? So many possibilities...
ReplyDeleteSometimes, it's better to let them be... sometimes, not always :)
ReplyDeleteCheers,
Arnab Majumdar on SribbleFest.com
the repetition added another layer to the poem. oh course is she real or product of a trouble mind ?
ReplyDeletecooped in that shop
ReplyDeletewhere she clutched the chats
of strolling customers
I found that phrase intriguing. Glad she finally got some space, some freedom.
I like the way you have made the poem climb into that wonderful climax of the last two lines. Powerful and well-crafted.
ReplyDeleteLove the repetition in this poem! Your ending lines are brilliant: "let me think of ways to jostle her back
ReplyDeleteon second thoughts, I will let her merge into the darkness." First-rate ending.