Fearful of what?

What is it about coming Tuesdays that I have a lot of questions for myself? Mondays are the days, I feel lethargic and tired. Maybe like most, I hate to go to work after Sunday. On Tuesdays, I am supposed to be a little better. Am I really?

Have you ever feared the unknown? Or simply are afraid of the very familiar state you are in? Or just plain scared of nothing? Does it make sense when I ask this? I crave for change. Yet when I have it, I want the previous state back. Why? I want constant change yet I fear it. Why? I used to thrive in it. Confused state of mind, is it not? Lately I have had this feeling of drifting without any direction and purpose. This is one very unsettled state of being. It has gone on for too long. I can't come out of it. Is it depression? Or something else? Why? Am I tired of just being with myself? Or can we call those beautiful fractures of my mind?

I can't pursue the very things I loved to. Like writing poetry or reading or listening to music or sketching. I used to visit book fairs, museums, art exhibitions or simply be a part of a crowded place. Now nothing interests me. I shun all those. Yes, even poetry. Oh, I write but somehow I can't write the way I want to. The way I used to.

I have had death wish, many a times, in the past few weeks. What stops me from going that way? How long is this state going to last? Don't you think two months is a long time? How do I get out of it?

Eventually, I know I will bounce back. The question is, when?

Tuesday musings

Long time I did a Tuesday musings post. Since July I have been in some kind of limbo. Frankly, half the time I don't feel like doing anything other than day dream. I do force myself to write daily but I am not much satisfied with what I am producing. I was such an avid reader. Now I hardly even bother to touch a book, let alone read it.

So, starting from today, no tomorrow ( I am ever the procastinator!!) I must do the following:

* Read atleast 100 pages daily, from any genre picked randomly from my TBR pile.

* Write one poem a day. That is not as easy as it seems.

* Eat more dark chocolates. It has anti-oxidants!


"mundane thoughts are as essential for living as oxygen is for breathing"

long and short of it

Do you ever feel the need to jump start your writing? What drains the energy from your “writing mind”? What do you do when your creative battery dies?


Firstly, a personal bit about me. It has been sometime I have talked about myself here. I have not even visited my dear blogger friends. Most of you have not let that deter you and visit me regularly. I must thank you for sticking to me. There has been a lot of changes in the past three months. As you know I changed my residence from one part of the Delhi to another. And last week I got transferred to a school near my new home. Although I had applied for it, somehow I feel saddened. I had been there in my old school for 11 years. A long time. I made lasting friendships with a few. And I loved each corner. Not to forget my students. I am getting withdrawal symptoms. I know I will adjust. I will like it just as much. Changes are always for the better. But...

So what is new? I am still the same old Gautami waiting to be renewed...Yes, you heard that right...renewed. Inevitable I think of that word, when there are so much of rains here. Rains renew the earth, embracing it. So what am I waiting for? Hell, I don't need to tell you about my personal life more than I have. Let me remain the elusive woman you have always known me as.

Coming back to the question on top, when I am stressed out in all fronts, like I am now, , my writing energy becomes low. I can't find any kind of order anywhere. My mind feels pulled into all directions. How do I deal with it? I sleep it off. Yes. Reading does not help that unrest state of being. I find sleep is the best antidote. It refreshes me. Although sometimes it might take a bit longer. It might appear inappropriate for some. However, that is my only shortcut from stress and into more writing. Does it make sense?!

Tangled in Wisteria by J. Andrew Lockhart

Today on a Tuesday, I would like to talk about a poet amongst us. Here I write about his book of poetry.


Title: Tangled in Wisteria
Author: J. Andrew Lockhart
ISBN: 978-1-60247-852-7
Publisher: Tate Publishing & Enterprises/2007
Pages: 108

J. Andrew Lockhart is blogger poet. He lives in Van Buren, Arkansas, United States. He writes Haiku, Senryu, Haiga, Haibun and Tanka. He was kind enough to send me his book Tangled in Wisteria, which contains haiku, senryu and tanka. I have been reading him for some time now, on his blog.

Andrew was an attorney when tragedy struck. In 1996 he had an intracerebral hemorragic stroke at the age of 30. He rose out of it all and became a music teacher. In his introduction, he writes that music and writing were sidelined and he went to law school.

He came back to writing. Reading his verses one can observe the beauty of nature, find greatness in mundane things and see love in a new light. Those short verses of his are loaded with so much meaning. You can see them in simplicity or the complexities....whatever way you choose to. Those contain nuggets about life and much more.

Here I quote a few of his verses:

"looking up
at the oak tree, planted
when i was young-----
there is no need
for a mirror"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"although you are
so far away from me
i feel your presence
in the cool summer night
as flowers rest"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"buying a pack
of firerackers
made in china"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"brick after brick
after brick after brick---
hidden thoughts"
~~~~~~~~~~~~

This book has four parts----spring, summer, autumn and winter. I read it at one go. But I am going to come back again and again. The best part is my mom picked it up and did not put it own until she finished.

Each page contains a haiku or a senryu and a tanka. Those verses touch the soul and illuminate it. I am very glad I read it and also that I read him everyday on his blog. Please do check him out.

sleeping dreams---Transcreated Work

Variation On The Word Sleep

Margaret Atwood

I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and as you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now read my version:

sleeping dreams

so you sleep so peacefully
uncaring that I watch you
those eye lids moving along
with your tremulous dreams
your nose flaring a bit
the rise and fall of your chest
I subtly put my ears to it
picking up your heart beat
I sway to the rhythm of it
I steady myself and
my palms slide over you
your skin seeps ecstasy
into mine. closing my eyes
I join you in your dreams
adding some of my own..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hers is very good.And I deliberately did not write about the specifics..

hot summer thoughts

After going through the poem Argument by Elizabeth Bishop, I penned down the latter. Our poems are in no way similar.
However, I wrote what my thoughts were after I read her work. I won't call it transcreated work.

Argument by Elizabeth Bishop

Days that cannot bring you near
or will not,
Distance trying to appear
something more obstinate,
argue argue argue with me
endlessly
neither proving you less wanted nor less dear.

Distance: Remember all that land
beneath the plane;
that coastline
of dim beaches deep in sand
stretching indistinguishably
all the way,
all the way to where my reasons end?

Days: And think
of all those cluttered instruments,
one to a fact,
canceling each other's experience;
how they were
like some hideous calendar
"Compliments of Never & Forever, Inc."

The intimidating sound
of these voices
we must separately find
can and shall be vanquished:
Days and Distance disarrayed again
and gone
both for good and from the gentle battleground.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now mine:












hot summer thoughts

dreaming of waves lapping at my feet
I walk on the asphalt road
hot summer seeping slowly from my feet
to my torso, finally reaching my head

exploding into my solitude thoughts
in my memories, I trip on the sand sculpture
destroying one of the limbs
to dust, or is it sand?

I wouldn't know, the hard aspalt
does not give an inch. pain,
it does not come close to loneliness
that eating into the core of my guts

my open palms touch the air
to catch a whiff of your scent intermingled
with mine, essence of which you stole
by arguing with your luscious body

"Solitude I seek, loneliness you enforced on me"

Random Musings

Summer vacations are already half-way through. This year May passed very fast for me. After moving to this new place, I had a lot of work to do. Both for myself and my mother. Frankly, my mom does not like any one to do anything for her. She is very independent and hates it when we try to help her in any way.

I seldom talk about my mom. I tend to focus more on my dad and my brothers. One reason is, as I and my mom live with each other, we take each other for granted. Most assume that my mom is living with me. To set the record straight, I live with her. I can't insult her by saying otherwise. I don't deny that being with her gives me a secured feeling. Although, I don't say it to her. Living with her is not as peaceful as it sounds. She is fiesty and at times I feel I am having a roller coaster ride. One can't really predict what she is going to do next. I am the tame one!

Most of the times, we are arguing about everything and nothing. I suppose that is very normal for two very strong minded invividuals. I have been asked if it makes me uncomfortable not getting my own space. On the contrary. I know she is near me. I can take care of her when it needs be and most important she sees to it that I do not neglect myself. She is the one who pushes me to limits. To do my best. To go for what I believe in. In no way, she invades my space. We let each other do pretty much what we wish to do. However, we do discuss the pros and cons and then take our own decisions. I also know that if I decide to chuck it all and go off somewhere, she would be the first one cheering me.

I respect her for what she is. She taught me to be truthful, no matter what. She taught me be independent. She taught me to live my life the way I want it. I love her for what she is. It is because of her that I have a smile on my face each morning.

can't you please reopen the portals sooner than later?

I find that interpreting works of poet in ones own way is creative too! I like transcreating. This time I take The Lonely Street by William Carlos Williams.







The Lonely Street

School is over. It is too hot
to walk at ease. At ease
in light frocks they walk the streets
to while the time away.
They have grown tall. They hold
pink flames in their right hands.
In white from head to foot,
with sidelong, idle look--
in yellow, floating stuff,
black sash and stockings--
touching their avid mouths
with pink sugar on a stick--
like a carnation each holds in her hand--
they mount the lonely street.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

can't you please reopen the portals sooner than later?

since school closed
mornings are empty-
despite the heat
I miss the sounds
of chattering girls
shoes dragging in the corriders
in stiffly ironed uniforms.
streets seem so empty
parents are so harassed
and here I was thinking
vacations are cure for
stressed minds.
when I see those
splash of colours
however dirty,
on those scraps of paper;
these make me long
for school to reopen.
when you do come back
I can only hope
you would be wiser
now that you are taller.

"I would still welcome you even if you are not"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do let me know what you think of my attempt. I welcome comments and feedbacks, as always!

Remembrance

Lately I have been writing a lot about my dad. Shifting to the new house has made me think of him each moment. Maybe becos I am trying to make new memories of him in here fully well knowing I can't. However, today I can't but help speaking about him. It is his sixth anniversary. He passed away on Buddha Poornima six years ago. We do a puja and then go to a temple. Today too, after we do a puja, we will visit a temple. I do it more for ritual than anything else. I am not a temple person, like my dad. He was not deeply religious and seldom visited any temple. He was spiritual. I have inherited that aspect from him. Of all his four children, I am more like him. And I am discovering that only after he passed away.

I do not think I understood it when he used to tell us to overcome ourselves, not anyone else. The race should always be against one's ownself not with others. Now I do. Achievement is rising above the self. He never said that we have to give up materialistic stuff. But that we should know if we really need it. I like my comforts. I work for it. I suppose thats what he truly meant.

My dad had nothing. Not even his father to support him. He was a self-built man. Of course my grand mother supported despite being a widow soon after his birth. In India, being a widow was a curse (it still is). ( Another story for another time).

Dad, wherever you are, if you are watching over us, I am thankful for what you taught us. Believe me, I am happy enough, although I do have my moments. I will always love you. You know that.

Sleeplessness-----Transcreated work

When I started my tuesday posts, I mentioned that I will write about myself and occasionally interpret some famous work of a poet in my own way. Until now I was writing mostly about myself. This time I am taking a short poem by Maya Angelou...

Insomniac by Maya Angelou

There are some nights when
sleep plays coy,
aloof and disdainful.
And all the wiles
that I employ to win
its service to my side
are useless as wounded pride,
and much more painful.

Now I will try to transcreate it in my own words:

Sleeplessness

with all my might
I try to win over sleep
with knives and daggers
slashing through its soul.
colour beyond my eyes
see nothing but stars-
in that cicada filled darkness.
lost in a labyrinth,
I lose a lonely battle
giving way to dust laden path of dawn.
I entirely blame myself
for trying to hold on to something
as transient as night.

"it recognises my ruse and turns a blind eye"

I write this with due apologies to Maya Angelou.

The Great Move

Since I made tuesdays as days of personal musings, they seem to come soon enough. And all I seem to talk about is my impending move to our new house, which should happen in a few days. It should have happened yesterday but had to be postponed for some reason. Once one is set to go, the delay only prolongs the agony of leaving familiar grounds behind. It's not that we are leaving Delhi.

We are making a move from East Delhi to West Delhi, which are situated diagonally opposite to each other. West Delhi is better connected to other important parts of Delhi. in the way of metro rail. However, East Delhi has better infrastructure. We don't have power outages or water woes in East Delhi but in West Delhi, both are rampant. The good thing is, the apartment we are moving into, has power backup along with adequate water storage tanks.

Most important of all, I will have to apply for a transfer to a school near my new residence. As I work for the Govt, those state owned schools are situated all over Delhi, that should not a problem. However, one never knows. Transfer is my one main worry. I have been posted in this school for almost 11 years.

A few of the times, I feel so lethargic in my mind and body, kind of hating to break the link I have formed with all, neighbours, friends, fellow teachers, vegetable venders, grocers and shopkeepers. And many others. Is it not funny? We human beings put roots everywhere.

Next Tuesday, hopefully I will have something to write about my new house, if I have net access.

signs of truth

Don't we all have such moments when we stare at nothing, our thoughts jumbled? We search for signs in our minds eye to give us a clue. To proceed in which direction. When I do not know what to do, I open up any book and try to decipher what to do. Maybe it is weird. Maybe not. Most of the times, I do get answers. Certain images form which apparantly do not have any meaning, overlapping fast moving pictures, resplendent. In those, we can find hidden truth about our destiny. We do have choices which we exercise at our discretion. However, sometimes those choices lead us to some other way, which we had not anticipated or planned.

Why am I saying all this here? I am not getting philosophical or anything. I suppose, I am getting withdrawal symptoms for moving house. Everything is finalised and I now am kind of feeling sad and nostalgic. I have lived in this house for the last 14 years. It is my parent's house. Difficult to move, considering that. One good thing is, my mom is moving along with me. I can't think of living apart from her as of now. We are moving to be nearer my youngest brother. Being with family is important. We would staying very near and yet have our own space. I feel elated as well as sad. Normal, don't you think?

Skewed view

Come April, new academic session begins. We all look forward to it, teachers as well as students. There does exist a sense of loss for the outgoing batch. When one has been teaching them for 7 years, one tends to get attached. We see them growing up right in front of our eyes, although we don't realise it until they are ready to leave us. There is this mixed emotion when they finally leave us to go face the world. Going for higher studies, or work or simply to start a family.

When one is in the protected environment of a school, everything is uncomplicated, apart from studies. Our infrastructure might not be what it should be, however, care, concern and safety are upper most. The govt tries to do its best, sometimes it does take that much longer to reach the masses. For a few years now, there has been virtually free education for girls, along with free books and uniform, for those who study in the state owned schools. Previously, there used to be many drop outs which has been curtailed by these incentive. This year onwards, there is a plan to start mid-day meal schemes for middle school students. It already exists for the primary classes.

Educating a girl is educating the whole family. An educated mother can take better care for her children and will not neglect on their studies. I have seen many mothers wanting their daughters to continue with their aducation and fathers wanting to get them married. In our caste driven society, parents do not want their daughters to speak for themselves and getting them married at an early age is one way of preventing it. A girl has no choice in this matter. Changes are visible only in the metropolitan cities. In the rural places, the mindset is pretty much the same.
What brought this topic to my mind today? Because, yesterday we heard that a 14 years old girl of our school was married off by her parents last week after her exams finnished, as they did not want her to study further. They took her class IX result and her school leaving certificate. It is kind death of all her dreams for which, we can't even sing a requiem. What can helpless teachers do when parents have skewed views?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



And anyone who forgot my birthday on 22nd March, need not feel guilty about that fact. They can make it up by buying me books for the BAFAB week! Please do remember to mail me for my smail mail. Where else are you gonna send those books?!

:-)

Cross out old memories

Another Tuesday. Last one of March 2008. This week it is going to be a tough act. After evalutions comes tabulation of result which in any case have to declared on 31st March. However, that is part of my work, so let's not talk about it.

A while back, I wrote a post on if persistence pays. Or if it is more of luck. I got varied responses. Majority said persistance and luck go hand in hand. I do agree to that. Upto a certain point. In order to pursue certain goal, we have to be persistent and if we are lucky we might attain that.

Nonetheless, I find certain people setting up goals which are unattainable. Then they try to steamroll over you to look at it from their point of view. Expecting you to be part of it. For those, my answer is, if it is your goal, you go about it. Why involve me? It might not be what I want. I can't live life for anyone but myself.

Some people try to control your mind. They succeed, if you let them. Many a times, we do not fight back. We kind of give in even when a certain part of us resists. Subconsciously, it is telling us to break away, to weigh the pros and cons. Do we really need to step on each other's toes? I for one, need my space. Lots of it. In that space, I have made too many memories for myself-----good or bad..those belong to me and only me. In the bigger scheme of things, togetherness is all but an illusion.

I re-read Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse last sunday. It reminded me that to seek truth and peace, we have to find the path alone. No one can do it for us. It is on us, how we go about it. The answers are all within us. Don't wory, I am not renouncing the world. I like my creature comforts too much. I can balance spirituality with material world. What is spirituality, other than a state of mind?

Constant split into two

I thought that I will talk about myself every tuesday. I might even set myself prompts or introduce memes! I truly do not know what road this may lead me. This time, I start a bit early. On a Monday night. And why not?

A while back, I was in a confused state of mind. I forgot right from the wrong. I am not saying I am above all this. I am as human as the next person. Nonetheless, I let this madness rule over me for a long period of time. I was in a trance like state where you act like a zombie. You do all the normal things but your mind is not in it. You want to let go but something stops. You fully well know you should break away but you are tied. You want to resist but cannot. One way to get out of it is to snap out of it. Somehow I simply woke up one morning and snapped out of it. I think physical illness helped me in a way.

Looking at it, in terms of life, there is no gain or loss. You are what you make of it. Chasing Eldorado never led anyone anywhere. One just needs to remember the constants. Can we change those? Bigger question is, should we change that? How do we decide what path to take? Can any path be wrong? Or right? On the pitch-fork of road, our mind splits into two. Does liberty mean we can do anything we want? No, if it is going to affect others. That too, in major ways.

My dad taught me that whatever decision I make, I should sleep over it. That sometimes gives us a better perspective. This time, I was awake for a long time . When I finally slept over it, I knew what my dad meant. My dad never imposed his will on me {if he had, I would have got married before 20. Almost every Indian parent plans the marriage of his son or daughter even before they are born. Even now! (That was an aside!)}. He was always there for me. No matter what. So is my mom, now. Only parents can love you unconditionally. I have been the major beneficiary of that, being at home most of the times.

This time, I am not going to let anything influence me, my mind. I will go by my gut feeling. It tells me to forge ahead. I am making changes in my life by moving to a new house, changing my school and in many other trivial ways. On the personal front, life looks bright, now that the dark clouds are gone. I am going to keep it that way. I am no longer going to look like that girl in the photo..

Let's all raise a toast over that!