her emotions clash with rationalityof you which analyses each of
her changing expressions
she spurns your slow seduction
turns away hiding herself
from your discerning mind
yet you strip her to her core
observing her brain map
dissolve into your thoughts
when she heats up to you
you step back leaving behind
a debris that is not her any more
why should you even care your
voyeurism into her- took a toll
Lately I have been writing most of my poetry without any punctuation. I don't know if it works or not. Nonetheless, with rawness of emotions, I consider those redundant. The purists might not agree with me. But then, how do you define creative expression? Does it is have to be restrained and constrained? As with stripped bare emotions, nothing is, at least for me.
Another great poem. I especially like that fourth stanza. I have been that debris twice in my life. And, I didn't like how that made me feel. But, I did manage to pick up those pieces and learned to live again.
ReplyDeleteThe use of no punctuation here works really well for me. I think sometimes poetry works better without constraints allowing the rawness to come through. Nice job. Have a nice day.
I agree with Michelle, the lack of punctuation really serves the energy or this poem. It's very honest and angry.
ReplyDeleteI also agree lack of punctuation make the rawness more real.
ReplyDeleteGood one!
that is a power and raw poem, works great without the punctuation, the breaks in the lines providing space and tension
ReplyDeleteI have been drawn to less and less punctuation. I find that it helps me to think about the rhythm and natural line breaks. Sometimes it is too easy to get hung up on proper grammar. Besides, those pesky commas seem to overtake some poem.
ReplyDeleteThis poem has great rhythm that seems to build from the second to fourth stanzas-- getting faster and more strident. Very nice.
"brain map" is a surprising image.This one's full of raw emotion.
ReplyDeleteI agree with most of the others - to punctuate or not depends on the rhythmn you want to create in the piece. Sometimes punctuation makes a poem disjointed, which can work if that's what the emotion of the poem demands.
ReplyDeleteThis poem is wonderful without punctuation. Especially:
'yet you strip her to her core
observing her brain map'
I also don't use punctuations that much, I think the line breaks works well here
ReplyDeleteI especially like the line -a debris that is not her any more - as if she's no longer that person you see, that she shows her true self
i think this poem works better without punctuation. those commas and full stops will not help with the energy of this piece.
ReplyDeletebut punctuation do has its place in poetry. :)
Some beautiful psychology in this. As for punctuation, if it reads right without, why bother?
ReplyDeletePunctuation Schmunctuation
ReplyDeleteJust do whatever you want..
cyberspace is really giving Anglysche a real workout and txt mssg may bring it to within an inch of it's life, BUT, that is what Inglash does best..
it adapts and absorbs..
which is why it won the Language race and one day every word will be an English word.
I agree with the other comments on punctuation - works well for me!
ReplyDeleteFor me this poem is flavoured by my experiences with my ex, who believed he had a profound insight into me, which led him to make hurtful comments about me, but he was fundamentally wrong about what he saw.
This poem conjures up some of the anger I felt at his violation of my integrity.
Yes, you are right, the removal of punctuation does heighten this very emotional piece. I liked it.
ReplyDeleteI liked "brain map"... and I really love the combination of words and the art. :)
ReplyDeleteit's very clean--and esp without any punctuation
ReplyDeletein my most recent post i took all the commas out--it makes it more insistent, immediate i think and that works well in your piece too
i like the "she" and "you"
your poem expresses the pain of being picked apart by someone else. Lovely painting.
ReplyDeleteBefore I even read your comment on this poem I noticed the lack of punctuation and how well it works here. Funny how we go through phases like this in our writing.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you - the poem is beautiful!
ReplyDeleteone can call it beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI was caught by the phrase "your voyeurism into her" - voyeurism is so often about the watcher, but whom is watched? It was an unexpected way to use the word but I think it was just the right fit here.
ReplyDeleteGautami- nice to be back in the blogger world again... :)
ReplyDeleteI barely use punctuation anymore- I just find it stilting. It works really well here.
I always love your writing...
The lack of punctuation pulls me in and makes me ride the train through the emotions and the words in this piece.
ReplyDeleteOften, we forget the feelings of who is being watched.
Excellent write.
-Nicole