Wednesday 4 February 2009

illicitly intertwined

your fingers-
crumple the pages
making it illicit

call it illicit?
your syringe hits
my nerve

twitching nerves
jerk, I crumple
falling on the floor

floor hugs me
coolness embraces
me. illicit?

35 comments:

  1. I like the images in this poem and the forcefulness in the last stanza. I would just leave the last line with "me. illicit." rather than adding the query.

    I think the question detracts from the meaning and lessens its impact. Just a thought...take it or leave it.

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  2. Serena, I fixed it. As you say, more effective now...

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  3. I especially like the middle two stanzas. Those are fantastic.

    I wonder if the crumples in the second line of the first stanza should be singular present tense; your call.

    Again, fantastic central two stanzas.

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  4. Illicit intent, but excellent words.

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  5. agree with sepiru, the middle stanzas brings life to this poem of yours.

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  6. i like the questions you ask. and the imagery of syring hitting nerve.

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  7. Not sure it's an illicit entanglement I care to wind around.
    Good piece Gautami.

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  8. ah... i loved the poem.. but somehow the last stanza seems disjoint from rest of the poem...

    And yet.. such tender expressions and visual imagery..

    you paint with your words! beautiful!

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  9. I like your choice of words in, 'floor hugs me coolness embraces' I could feel it....lovely.

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  10. I'm really enjoying the poem train/chain...nicely done!

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  11. Short powerful lines Guatami - the imagery excellent.

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  12. I really like how you linked this together with the last word being repeated as the first word. Well done.

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  13. The syringe and nerve stanza really resonated with me for some reason. I imagine star-crossed lovers in addition's haze intertwined seeking feeling and meaning but finding... only themselves.

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  14. At first I was a little nervous about all of the junkie references tainting the beautiful act of human reproduction, but then I began to see beyond the metaphorical expression that equates orgasm with a Heroin rush.

    Since both experiences are really just chemical reactions in the brain I see the connection.

    Very interesting.

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  15. Illicitly beautiful :D. Like this.

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  16. it's very interesting how you do this!

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  17. I once lived that, and never in a million years could I have told its awful experience the way you just did... Guatami, thank you, what a huge release!
    fear shared is fear gone

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  18. This packs a powerful punch...I could feel the hard coolness of that floor, despite its hugs.

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  19. Very interesting format; well done!

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  20. Your experiments with the 3-line form are consistently interesting, gautami.

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  21. Gautami: I like it better without a question mark at the end, but you can keep it if you like it. It's your poem. I do like it with illicit as the last word!

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  22. I like the way you worked the 3WW prompt into such a tight space multiple times. It's so much easier to work with more words than with less.

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  23. I read a nice comparison between addiction and infatuation in these lines. It certain hits home. Nice write.

    -Nicole

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  24. very expressive and powerful. I like it.

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  25. Packed with sharp images and almost tactile words.

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  26. Very expressive! You really have a way with words...

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  27. illicit is one of my favorite words. good use of it here.

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  28. I was thinking:

    ...
    me. illicit?
    ill, I sit.


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  29. your words always have such great expression.

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  30. No questions..with the illicit smile on my face...nice words.

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  31. yes, g this is so similar... i luv the reflection...hothothot... referring to the 3www post of course...

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