Sunday, 10 February 2008

A common enough story in broken lines

This is raw and unedited. One instant writing. Feel free to critique it. And do not forget to ride the Monday Poetry Train either.

piggybacking her, he walked out to the sun
Her pallor was so pale like washed out colour of the moon
Her sickness had lasted all through the winter
She whimpered, it was a good sound after her quietness
He smiled and tickled her almost skeletal ribs
High pitched, she laughed out loud
He carried her to the reclining chair,
Sitting her on his lap, wrapped his arms around her
Her thin arms reached his neck and she smothered him with tiny kisses
He felt intense happiness
She was asleep in no time
Doctors had given up on her
He had immense faith
He could not afford to lose her
She was all he had for the last six years since he had lost all his family
He had had no time time grieve for them
What was gone was gone
One lived for the living

What had he really given up
Only a stupid university degree
The land took care of their needs
He would never uproot her from her legacy
Whispering sweet nothings, he pulled his little sister closer


  1. This has a sweet ending and shows that some things in life are more important than anything.

    Michele sent me over to say hi.

  2. I only saw one word repeated twice ('was' in line 2, though it could remain and act as an emotional stutter.)

    Really like this line:
    'She whimpered, it was a good sound after her quietness'

    My little cousin was gravely ill when she was two, and though it hurt to hear her cry, the alternative was to not hear it. I think your poem is pretty strong for raw and unedited.

  3. This is tender and sentimental without being cloying, a wonderful beginning that will need little if any tweaking.

  4. Told how it is, or how it should be. Career, material values ... nothing without this kind of sacrifice, given freely.

  5. what an unselfish loving man you portray here.. his sister is blessed to have him....

  6. Sacrificing possessions or even degrees for love is noble, and the returns are even greater.

    You tell a moving story in just a few lines. Impressive!

  7. how sad for him but I think he sees joy in his sister

  8. Many times, it is the care and love of family that create the real healing. A bittersweet poem my friend.

  9. That was unedited? Wow.
    Pain and hope - you made the struggle powerful. I liked the message - sacrificing the material for the love of family.

  10. So emotional. Absolutely beautiful and poignant. Takes my breath away.

  11. At first it made me think about "A walk to remember", then I read it was his sister!
    And I always thought love and laughter are the best remedy!

  12. Yes indeed. The better part of wisdom is to find and hold true treasure.

  13. what could life be if we all figured out that Love is the only important thing?

    very moving story

    thanx for visiting.

  14. This is a beautiful story written by a poet who gets better and better with each post! I always look forward to reading yours!

  15. A great sacrifice for him, but very rewarding, I'm sure. Love the ending, 'whispering sweet nothings etc.'

  16. Very good. The poem demonstrates this man's priorites, and the insignificance of his personal sacrifices in light of the more important things - his family - most of whom he has already lost.
    Just a suggestoin, maybe build on their mutual loss, she being his last remaining family member, and the strength each other provides.

  17. This is beautiful, Gautami. Hope born out of tragedy, an all too common struggle in human existence. You captured it vividly.

  18. Julia, I corrected that. A typo, me thinks! Thanks.

    Weighed against family, nothing has meaning.I have seen this happening, although I did change this a bit.

    Brave, I think I will develop this further like you say. I might follow a series of verses. Thanks for the idea.

  19. Very powerful, you have really conjured up the man with his grace and dignity and strength with great skill, the reader is drawn into his thoughts, hears him thinking, a great poem conjuration of a scene with living people, very cool,

  20. the ending is happy but you cannot help but admire someone who gives up a dream and all for love.

  21. I love your story-telling. Lovely characters.

  22. oh this is beautiful, common enough, but one that goes unnoticed in the rush of captured true sacrifice.