Monday, 26 February 2007

Illusion/delusion

Gazing in to her misted eyes,
he signed the marriage contract.
Giving in with softest of sighs,
she thought, “so what if he has cataract?!”

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# It is but a rough draft. I am not satisfied with it. I can't seem to get it the way I desire it. I posted it anyway. Suggestions are welcome.


19 comments:

  1. yeh yeh feels like something is missin...but i tink this one is candid and funny.

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  2. But her eyes are the ones that are "misted." So I think maybe the cataract is actually in her eye and she only thinks it's in his.

    Star crossed lovers I guess. Maybe eye crossed if they keep inspecting each other for cataracts so much I guess...

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  3. You really do not want to know!

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  4. Extremely funny ... blind delusion heh!
    Have a wonderful day.

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  5. leave it as it is, raw and honest.

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  6. buffalo: Thanks!

    ghosty: The point is what is missing? Any clue?

    paul: I wanted to conveyexactly that. The cataract is in her eyes. I didn't think it has come across that well. From your comments it seems it has..

    kai: How deep, sweety?

    whitesnake: try me!

    trinitystar: Thanks.

    dsnake1: As I still can't decide what is missing, I will leave it as it is for now.

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  7. What if he does? Funny. Good one!

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  8. The 5 CARAT ring on her finger helped to COUNTERACT the involuntary CONTRACTION in her digestive TRACT.

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  9. gautami, i like it.
    i find it clever and amusing ;)

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  10. Misted eyes reflecting,
    marriage contract signed
    sighing now, softly she wonders,
    what if the mote,
    is actually a cataract?

    Hope you don't mind, I couldn't resist playing a bit.

    Rose

    xo

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  11. very interesting --- I would leave it as it is

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  12. The music's there. But if you feel it's not right, tweak some more until it becomes "untweakable."

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  13. I like it Gautami!
    It's funny!
    Good job!

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  14. don, ascenderrisesabove, polona and margie: thanks.

    h.e./donn: It does seem that way, the CHIP is heavier than the cataract!

    dewyknickers: you version stands alone too. Thanks.


    andrew: I am not so sure but if nothing comes within a day or two, I will live is as it is.

    rethabile: You know how the mind of a poet works. The bug is not letting me rest easy. I still can't get it right.

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  15. I really like your experiments with twisted endings - this verse for instance is very witty and defintely clever!

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