in that shower, flowing water cooled her body
her heart was soaring with anticipation
her wait had been long, filled with longing.
towelling herself, she rubbed body lotion
covering each bit with care but with haste too
lest, more time was wasted in mundane task
tying the sash of her clingy gown, she walked
barefeet, loving the feel of the cool wooden floor
her thoughts all the while on what was to come
when the doorbell rang, she almost ran to open it
tripped on the carpet, and now lay flat on bed
with a broken limb, sore heart, he fussing over her
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I suppose I need a break from blogging. I can't seem to write like I used to. I am churning out mediocre stuff. And also getting repetitive too. A warning to stop writing.
this seems fine to me... and your trade mark surprise ending :)
ReplyDeleteI think this work has a lot of potential G, maybe just a bit of editing and polishing required. DON'T stop writing!!! We all go through dry spells. I find the prompts wonderful for inspiration but some are better choices for me, than others.
ReplyDeleteStop in at OSI on the weekend, one of my prompts is being used, you might enjoy for a challenge.
BFN, G
www.mypoeticpath.wordpress.com
I had noticed!
ReplyDeletelove the irony and imagination!
ReplyDeleteResponses to Sunday Scribblings are supposed to be first drafts, and this seems fine in any case. Keep writing so that I can enjoy more of your clever twists.
ReplyDeleteI certainly don't see a problem with this.
ReplyDeleteI suspect writing is in your blood.
I thnk writing breaks are important. Your feelings of inadequacy do not show in your poem, however!
ReplyDeleteguatami: this was good, don't be hard on yourself. i especially liked the ending that i did not anticipate!
ReplyDeletei visited your reading list blog but could not leave a comment. my goodness the goal you have this year on all those books to read! wow! well, from your list i read Neverwhere....fantastic! Gaiman is a creative genius. I am currently reading American Gods, good, but found Neverwhere to be so much better (for me anyway).
I'm not seeing repetition in this, nor mediocrity, my friend. In fact, I am seeing lovely details -- the bare feet and how the floor feels.
ReplyDeleteTake a few days and recharge. Read something yummy and delicious. Settle into the new home some more. Then come back and look at this; you'll realize it's pretty darn good.
its not a warning to do ANYTHING! :p u r doing ok! just go read a few more books and travel somewhere...surely ull feel ok. i just came back from a harrowing two weeks with neverending work.
ReplyDeleteheh...I though love waits forever. :P
You're doing fine to me - love the irony - you're in a new phase enjoy, go with the flo, show us more from a different you ;)
ReplyDeletePlay, Gautami, play. Break the poem up, scramble it, delete and insert, perhaps even read and write it backwards:
ReplyDelete(he fussing over her
heart sore
with broken limb
now flat, now tripped
she almost rang)
I also like the bare feet and the cool wooden floor...
Peace.
Don't worry about it. What sounds old to you is first-time new to us. I always feel great about a post until I read it over a few times. Then I can't wait to write a new one to make the old one slide into oblivion. Keep writing.
ReplyDeleteYou had my attention.
ReplyDeleteFun that you took a turn in the end
instead of a normal hollywood ending.
Hey Thanks for visiting my blog and thanks for the wishes! :)
ReplyDeleteNice write-up!!!
Blogrolling u!
You had my attention, love that the ending was something I could not have imagined.
ReplyDeleteWell now SHE will get all the pampering so it could have been worse.
ReplyDeleteIt is finally SPRING over here and I seem to be spending more time in the RW pulling weeds and transplanting perenials..
which end up popping up wherever they want to anyway, but it makes me feel connected..
sort of like Life..which does pretty much whatever it wants to do..
as your protagonist discovered.
"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans"
John Lennon
what a surprise ending
ReplyDeleteI loved this! we get the feel of her excitement and anticipation Never expecting the cute ending. I think you are still an awesome writer!
ReplyDeletea different and nice approach to sore!
ReplyDeleteTime to learn to write in a different way or a different voice. (man, old, very young, lost, alien, evil...) Look sideways instead of straight ahead. That is what I think.
ReplyDeleteb
I love the story this poem tells, and the way you used both words of the prompt so cleverly.
ReplyDeleteAs for your comment about feeling "dried up"... remember you've been going through a lot of changes lateley. I often find my creativity is adversly affected by too much going on in real life. Just be patient...
I think it was very nice. I like your poems.
ReplyDeleteThanks for dropping by. You have imagination in your writing. I can't imagine stopping that for to long. We all need an outlet.
ReplyDeleteThis was lovely, and funny.
ReplyDeleteI was feeling the robe, the floor, and i would have slipped and fallen...it happens that way to me all the time.
Have you been watching me in the bath? :0
We are all our own worst critics.
oh keep going...that happens to me all the time, I can't tell you how many posts I had writer's block or mentioned losing that spark...do you do writer's island too? or slice of sunday? they also have good prompts to get that brain turnin'
ReplyDelete:D
I get in those types of funks and I take a break to get inspiration. I thought you were writing about me from my SS until the fall. ;) HUGS
ReplyDeleteWell I enjoyed it, but I do see what you're saying too. Do you do any writing excercises to jog your brain up? I wouldn't say to quit writing - just work through it. :)
ReplyDeleteWe all go through it. Funny thing is sometimes I really hate what I write and I get lots of compliments. Other times I like it, and no one else seems to. wh - you never know what will strike a chord with some people. ;)
Keep on writing! You've got talent. :)
you had me hanging...the most captivating post which tells me that you need to keep going..keep writing through whatever comes along.
ReplyDeleteI feel that what you wrote is metaphoric; for all the times we stumble and trip in life.
ReplyDeleteRe: your comment about writing, just keep on doing! Many artists face obstacles to the creative process. I just read something that the great Emily Carr had said: "I thought my mountain was coming this morning. It was near to speaking when suddenly it shifted, sulked, and returned to smallness. It has eluded me again and sits there, puny and dull. Why?"
She kept on doing...
Well, if that isn't just life in a nutshell. Your ending got mne again! Hang in there and have a great week.
ReplyDeleteSometimes just putting those tiny thoughts on paper aren't always going to impress. Especially if you are your worst critic!
ReplyDeleteYou offer so much encouragement.
I think you should follow your bliss. Silence is a special effort. Maybe it can bring you an awakening. Each time I stop blogging, I always come back. If you are lead to rest for awhile, focus on the positive and you'll be back in better form.
a lovely poem, with a nice twist at the end. :)
ReplyDeletedont stop. it always amazes me when you come up with something new so quick. :)
ReplyDeleteand strange enough, i wrote something similar for 3WW. hehehe. the idea i.e.
You are being too hard on yourself.I feel this way sometimes too. I think you have to take a day or night to go out and find some new adventures. Sometimes going to a favorite place of your past can get you writing about other topics or other views. I like this poem because of the tension that builds up until the knock at the door. I think maybe the last stanza needs a rework.
ReplyDeleteHappy Thursday!