foaming water gives rise to steam
ripples disappear into nothing
shadows form out of nowhere
walking creepily towards shore
revolting fascination takes over
watching unheard of creatures
unholy sounds pierce the calm
strange shapes emerge, dancing
on cascading stream, eeriness
enhances those unheard of fears
sounds of night hold to enthral
until dawn breaks, sunlight falls.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My thoughts are haunted for no particular reason. May be it is the season. I am unable to write the way I want to. This is another of my half hearted effort this past fortnight. Please do feel free to critique it.
Half hearted?
ReplyDeleteGeez I want to see it when you do put full effort in.
That was good!
I agree, there's nothing half-hearted about this piece. Interesting spook!
ReplyDeleteYou and Marja! You've both done so well and thought you did not. I found it moving and dare I say, 'haunting?'
ReplyDeleteSounds like one haunted night! Good job creating a spooky atmosphere, Guatami.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't sound half-hearted to me, either. But I could say it doesn't seem as grounded in specific detail as your other poetry. It is atmospheric, it wafts. It is not concrete. Perhaps this is a clue. Or only my read. In any event, good for you for writing-on.
ReplyDeleteI like the lightness of touch....very ethereal, which is very appropriate. BTW, you've got a typo 'in ripples disappears into nothing' -- it should be disappear. Hope you don't mind me pointing it out, you can do the same for me any time.
ReplyDeleteYou need to read "The Highwayman" by Alfred Noyles. That is my Halloween reading. :-)
ReplyDeleteFor a half hearted effort this is very well written, and appropriate for the season. I find my thoughts being haunted of late too, but most likely for entirely different reasons.
ReplyDeleteI feel that this does evoke the feelings of a haunted island. I particularly liked the last two lines.
ReplyDeleteI want to add something to what deb said about concrete detail. This is what writing courses are telling people to do but for some time now I have been thinking that this doesn't have to be the only way to write poetry,
WOW! Nicely written - a shore best avoided.
ReplyDeleteMark
It's a sign of a good writer when something half-hearted turns out as good as this! Very atmospheric.
ReplyDeletewell, i wouldn't want to be near that shore ever!
ReplyDeleteIt may not be the way you wanted it to be, but you sure spooked me! Nice imagery. :)
ReplyDeleteThe only critique I have to offer is perhaps rearange the sequence
ReplyDeleteas
foaming water gives rise to steam
ripples disappear into nothing
unholy sounds pierce the calm
strange shapes emerge, dancing
shadows form out of nowhere
walking creepily towards shore
revolting fascination takes over
watching unheard of creatures
on cascading stream, eeriness
enhances those unheard of fears
sounds of night hold to enthral
until dawn breaks, sunlight falls.
The great thing about poetry is, that it can be interpreted differently by different people. I, for one, think this was a great poem... well written and perfect for the season.
ReplyDeleteA whole hearted applause for this half hearted attempt. You are a master with words Gautami
ReplyDeleteSometimes... .when one really doesn't feel like writing, I think the little gremlins are up to their old tricks! THey want you to feel halfhearted or WORSE! Write anyway! ..You Did and it's fine!
ReplyDeletedo they have Halloween in Delhi too? Nicely done
ReplyDeleteThis may be the first shore I'll try to avoid. No telling what ghostly things are creeping about. Appropriately haunting!
ReplyDeleteI thought the imagery was very effective. Your "half hearted" pieces are always top notch in my eyes. It is not easy being so demanding of ourselves, but it is not something we have choice over.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was very atmospheric and well done ... if all your halfhearted attempts are like this ... you got nothing to worry about
ReplyDeleteGauthami,
ReplyDeleteI liked the way you paint the picture about the fears, unheardness makes it a little more spooky
I agree with steve: if that's half-hearted, I would love to see full effort. Your words gave me a picture of a lake (or any body of water) at night, with mist rising off it, and the sometimes spooky sounds of the night echoing in the air. I enjoyed reading it.
ReplyDelete