defencelessly gazing down at the shreds of her own mortality
she stood her ground
trying to understand her deathwish
history did not allow her to narrow it down
"spent" seemed invincible in her case
"when she thought there was nothing left,
it came back to torment her"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know it is too dark. After I drew a complete blank for a week or so, I could only manage to write this. I am contemplating leaving writing altogether and deleting my blog/s. I am not saying I will do it. I have truly hit a low after a long time. I have nothing much to offer other than despair.
*Update: I am unable to keep up with my writing schedule. Everything seems to have gone haywire. Problem lies on my personal front. How do words come when my heart is not in it and my mind refuses to write? Despair is a mild word for what I am undergoing right now. I know I will come out of it. I just need time. Away from myself. Is that possible?
Surely being "spent" will come to an end. I have been struggling some recently-- too much stress from a family illness.
ReplyDeleteEven though this is a dark piece, I think it has something to say. The line, "history did not allow her to narrow it down" speaks of new and mysterious things. Keep writing.
Dark, but very intense and it has me pondering which is a sign of a good poem. I find that I'll write poetry for a month or two and then not for months, sometime years. But don't despair and stick around, it'll come back.
ReplyDeleteOne of the greatest obstacles a writer faces is the challenge of losing (Or thinking they have)lost their ability to write.
ReplyDeleteHow you take on that challenge will determine whether you win or lose.
The choice is yours and yours alone.
I for one believe in you and your abilitiy to overcome this down period of time.
(((((Gautami))))
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but darkness and despair are my themes, you'll just have to try something else. ;)
Seriously, blogging is supposed to be fun and take it from someone who's stopped blogging more times than I can count, it's writing and maintaining friendships that matter. Forget about all the problems in the world and remember how much I love you. That's what's important my dear, the bonds we've created through poetry and stories.
For me, one or two posts a week are enough. I've contacted several agents, gotten rejections from three so far and waiting on responses from two more. I'm not worried, I'll get there.
Tell you what, please send me an email tonight to remind me and I'll forward the completed manuscript of 'Knickers'. Maybe reading that will cheer you up. Lean on your friends Gautami, that's what we're here for.
Rose
xo
Despair is good!
ReplyDeleteC'mon now...Aren't the greatest writers of all time desperate, tortured, self loathing, misanthropes?
"to be or not to be? That is the question."
ReplyDelete"ask not what your country can do for you ask what you can do for your country."
"The most difficult thing in this world is to win against yourself! How does one go about it? That's what I am trying to find out. In the process who knows, I might find myself!! For someone who teaches mathematics, poetry comes easy..."
Quotes from good and famous people!
Need I say more
This is really really good.
ReplyDeleteDark doesn't mean bad, Gautami. And we all need a break from time to time. I actually enjoyed reading this.
ReplyDeleteWrite for yourself, not for us. BUT whatever you do, DON'T delete the blog(s). Put them in archive only mode or something (by invited reader, then no one will find them), but don't delete all your words!
And again... it just takes time. It's been a month since I participated, but I threw out a story today. I don't think it's any good, but I still wrote. Just like you did. And that's what's important sometimes.
Ooh Gautami, please don't delete your blog. Your words are always so well written even in the darkest depths. We understand a break is needed from time to time and will patiently await your return. But, please don't delete your blog. Personally, I loved your poem. Maybe it did come from a dark place but, who says everything has to be beautiful everyday. Take the time needed to clear up the personal front and then when you want to come back to your writing, you can. I hope things look brighter.
ReplyDeleteToo dark? Nah.
ReplyDeleteI, too, am having trouble keeping up. So I blogged about it, said I was easing up on things, and feel much better.
I think it's a phase of the moon 'cause you and I aren't the only ones feeling this way. Hang in there. It'll come back around again.
I felt your despair Tami but just step back for a moment. We care about you and would miss you. Just take a break or slow your blog time down but keep in touch.
ReplyDeleteHUG
Email me if you want to vent, OK?
I've been the same recently - not quite that bad, though. Maybe you should slow down for a while and come back.
ReplyDeleteDon't go away forever!!
Keep on keepin' on. Everybody goes through periods of blank pages and wandering minds and those elements birth finer work... although your work is always a step above very fine!
ReplyDeleteGautami, I'm so sorry you're going through this dark time. I hope you won't stop writing entirely - and I would certainly hate to see you delete your blogs, for you have shared so many wonderful poems and thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI think your feeling for writing will come back - you write so naturally, that I think it's in you for life :)
Take care...
So intense and dark! Your anguish and pain are almost palpable. That is the beauty of writing. It is a release. It takes the pressure off. And the bonus can be, there is bound to be someone else who shares your feeling. That is worth writing on!
ReplyDeleteI would try writing from a different angle. Stay away from prompts, 3ww's, photographs etc. I think that you should try to do more memoir writing than examining your emotions. Write the details of your childhood- places,foods, moments,people you once knew. Even if you didn't have a great childhood, some good things must've happened. Don't give up.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Lawrence, - take your thoughts and your writing to a happier time in your childhood. If ever I need a laugh, or some optomism, I read children's books. Even the colors in children's books can brighten your day.
ReplyDeleteIf that doesn't work, you can turn your turmoil into some country western songs- despair and heartache is the #1 topic of a great country song, followed by rage. :) Hang in there.
Last time I deleted my blog, I got a lot of e-mail asking where it was. It drew me back, instinct I guess. You'll write when you are ready. (((HUGS)))
ohhh g... despair and emptied out.. waterlogged and clogged... have always enjoyed visiting yr blog, reading your thoughts... to me writing is such a process that never stops... it is my shadow that i often catch following me everywhere i go... i pray you will find peace from the torment buried deep in the pen of your thoughts... it would be engaging to find yourself inbetween sentences and paragraphs.. words written, crossed out, then written again... isn't there freedom and liberation in writing thoughts just as they are... whatever state in darkness and light... as a believer in life i shall look forward to tomorrow for you right now..
ReplyDeleteWriting is not something that you can switch on and off, surely? Just keep hacking at it. give yourself some space not to do anything for a while - the urge to write something will come, inevitably because that's what you want to do!
ReplyDeleteI find that the blogging, and reading other people's blogs, in factkeep me ticking over nicely when I just know I haven't got the time/or energy to do anything more 'serious'. That does NOT mean that I don't take my blogging and blogging friends seriously :)
there's truth in darkness, our mind will open up eventually and see the light. even nothing is something, right?
ReplyDeleteI read somewhere that you shouldn't keep a writing schedule instead write when you felt the need, at least that's what I do
I, too thought about deleting all my blogs and just stop writing. this though occurs to me every other week so you're not alone.
This piece is emotional and haunting, the authentic feel of your work quietly states you are
ReplyDeletea poet with much offer.
(((Guatami))))
ReplyDeleteI've lived in darkness, and sometimes still visit that realm from time to time. I'm not afraid of it anymore. Sometimes darkness can teach us important lessons.
But please don't delete your blog.
Your work reveals someone with deep feeling and sophistication.
Being gifted with a writing talent, the words will not leave you forever. And you said it yourself - you need time. So take that time and nurture yourself. You know inside what you need to get through this.
-Nicole
I haven't read the other comments, so apologies if I repeat others. During times of despair, writing can be as a plush toy to a frightened child. It can be a way for you to express things and let yourself explore ideas you may not be able to in other ways. It does not have to be on a blog or read by anyone else. It could be written in disappearing ink, or in sand at low tide, only to be erased before it is read.
ReplyDeletePerhaps the problem--around writing--is not in your ability to produce, but in your expectations of what you should produce. Eliminate the expectations. Allow yourself to express what needs to be expressed, in the way it needs to come out. Do not listen to people who tell you something is too dark. If it exposes truth, if it is real, then it is as it should be. The fault is in the reader, not in the writer or the written piece.
Keep at your art. Or, if you need time away from it, allow yourself a vacation. But eliminate the narrow expectations you've placed on yourself. You have a talent, and as long as you have things to say, you should say them.
Hi Guatami!
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that your name is back into the drawing to win my Elsie Dinsmore book that you entered in your name for back in April. To view all the details go to www.mdlife.wordpress.com and scroll down the page to view the post i wrote about it.
Always darkest before dawn - no matter how dark it gets, the sun is always worth waiting for. I'll wait for you to shine once more.
ReplyDeleteEven though I am very new to your blog and quite a few others, I still want to reach out and say Don't Delete!" I can add little to the sage advice you've had here from those who know you better and have been reading you longer, but just wanted to urge you to "keep on keepin' on" anyway.
ReplyDeleteHi Gautami, take as much time as you like - I for one am proud to be listed as one of your 'writing friends' Andy Sewina
ReplyDeleteTake a month off writing altogether. Don't even think about it or try to write. Sort out any problems and focus on other things, then in exactly one month, come back and start writing. Even if it is hard then, just write regardless.
ReplyDeletePlease don't delete your blogs. That would be a seriously bad action.
Best wishes,
Beaman
i'm sorry about the way you feel...
ReplyDeletei don't suppose i can offer any advice but... these things will pass, theyusually do in life... take care and hugs to you!
Dark... but perfect. Emotions that have been close to me lately. Love this write.
ReplyDeletesending you some good wishes... and wishing you well
ReplyDeleteI really like your poems including this one. So I wish you would overcome your depression and never give up blogging.
ReplyDeletegautami - do not despair friend. I believe when we reach a point that we feel so empty as to be almost invisible, as you may feel now -- it is because something significant is coming, on its way to fill us up.
ReplyDeleteIt is not possible to know when it will arrive, but it will -- as long as we do not close ourself to the possibility.
I battle manic depression regularly. Many, many times I have been in this dark place in which you find yourself. Do not resist it, or it will persist longer than it should. Allow yourself to be dark. Look at it as place to let your spirit sleep for a while - as in the dark of night we allow our bodies to sleep.
I too find myslef in a place of little or no inspiration. I have been recycling poems with modifications because my muse is not delivering fresh, new, bold visions.
That is why I closed down Writers Island -- so I might again find my muse. I am not certain how long this might take -- but I am patient. The path will show itself in time, and at the proper time.
Be at peace. Let the frustration wrap 'round you -- then let it slip away. All things must pass, and will pass with time.
Bless you dear gautami... :)
I've only just seen this now and I already now that you've returned to your blog, but I still wanted to reach out and send loving support your way as you face whatever demons are in your path. Be strong. Find peace.
ReplyDelete